turdmonster.com
we put the funk in your trunk

RAAR!!  Long time no see!! My friend and I have been off doing interesting stuff in interesting places with extremely interesting people and weren't scheduled to be back for another two weeks, but I started hearing about a little, shall we say buzz regarding a certain photograph floating around the internet this week.
 
 

I have to admit, I was a little surprised when the media showed up, asking for a statement about my involvement.  The first thing I said was:  "RAAAAR!! I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN!"  Hah! HAH! I thought that was pretty funny, even if the reporter did not.  What does he know?! RAAAAR!!!  SO, he started asking me all kinds of questions like "Is it true you kill KITTENS?  Why would you kill a cute little KITTEN?  How do you feel about MASTURBATING?!" and I was like "WOAH! Slow down there, little fellah! You're getting a little worked up, how about I fix you a nice cool beverage?!"  And he was like "No! I am a reporter! I need the facts, no matter how difficult they are! Are you going to answer my questions or not?"

Of course, I am all about being friendly and helpful to our TV personalities, so I told him what I will tell you all now:  I have nothing to do with the eating of kittens, and I do not really understand what god has to do with anything.  My most un-ducklike friend (who was most sadly not home when the interview took place: the camera LOVES him!) informs me that this is referencing an activity that some say will MAKE YOU GO BLIND, so I mean, why would I ever want to eat something that would make me go blind?  It goes without saying that I was EXTREMELY ANGRY when I saw that my image had been used without my consent or knowledge.  I was so angry that I ran right out into the frigid March nighttime to take a good, long, cleansing walk.  I was walking along and someone bumped into me, and they were all "Hey! Aren't you that KITTEN EATING monster?! What?? You can't eat anything your own size?? You have to eat KITTENS? Very brave, Monster!!  You're a COWARD!" Since I was already SO ANGRY about the whole thing, you know what I did right?  I think you might just.  I ate him.  Of COURSE I did! RAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!! I started with his 125 dollar yuppie Nike runniing shoes! I worked up to his Fila slippery track pants! I ate his Eddie Bauer windbreaker! His iPod! His earphones! His tank top!  That's right! I ATE HIM.  RAAARRR!!!  And he deserved it, too!
 
 

Once again, to clear my good name:  I do not eat kittens.  I've never even MET a kitten.  One time, there was a particularly mean CAT who was all "Mreow! Mreow! Look at that monster! He's trying to catch a wish blowing around! That's not a very mean monster"  and I had to do what I had to do, but in my defense: THE CAT HAD IT COMING!! Just because I was chasing a wish around the garden does NOT MEAN I AM NOT A MEAN MONSTER!!! I needed the wish at that particular moment! I needed to WISH for something.  RAAAARRRRR!! Stupid cat.
 

Hey.  Do I look fat in this photograph?  I feel like I got a little chunky around the midsection.  I've been doing that Atkins diet, but I'm afraid that I just don't get enough weightlifting time at the gym because I'm kind of busy all the time, what with the traveling around and the parties and stuff.  Right off the bat, I lost like a whole POUND, but that has to level off.  Wait.  Why am I asking YOU this?  You think I eat KITTENS, which are admittedly a swell source of protein, but STILL.  RAAAARRRRR!!!!