(caution: RAAAR!! image heavy.)
RAAAR!! After all this time with no us, now TWO in a week! RAAAR! Your prayers have been answered! So, my silent companion and I went to the local supermarket with the sole intention of getting some dinner. I mean, of course, we have all sorts of fabulous invitations to fun and fancy dinners all over the world and stuff, but sometimes you just like to stay home. RAAAR! Let's shop!
Right. So, for the life of me, I can't imagine why he had me take this photograph. I was all "RAAAR! Why are you standing on a pile of cucumbers? Are you going to make a nice SALAD or something?!" He said "The men don't know, but the little girl understand" and winked. RAAAR. I don't even know what he's talking about.
RAAARRR!! So, we were all talking back and forth about what we were going to eat and pushing the cart along and I saw this giant tank filled with these BUG things, but they were under water! I was all "Hey! RAAAR!! Mister Fruit and Vegetable Supermarket Man!! You are keeping those bugs underwater and you are NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT BUGS!!! RAAAARRR!" He laughed and said "Heh, silly monster, those aren't BUGS, those are LOBSTERS which are crustaceans, NOT insects. Man, did you flunk out of SCHOOL or something?" Well. I went to a FINE FINE institution of higher learning, (MSU--Go Crushers!!) and was not going to stand idly by while this radish squeezing redneck insulted my alma mater. I climbed away from the tank and ran over to him. Do you know what happened next? Do you? Yeah, I think you just might. That's RIGHT. I ATE him!! RAAAR!! I started with his worn out, smelly Reeboks from 1983, worked up to his beet-stained Lee easy fit jeans, to the green smock, the little nametag, the hair net. RAAAARRR!!! !
RAAAR! Right after I ate that guy, we picked out our dinner. As we were waiting for them to CLUB it or whatever you do to a lobster, we gazed out over the rest of the fine seafoody selections. My friend here seemed to be getting rather antsy, and when I asked him what the matter was, he said the most bizzare thing. "It smells like my last date". RAAAR. Seriously, man, sometimes I really don't know what you're talking about. What? What? Oh. Oh. Ohhhh. No, I knew that. I did. No, I did. What? Meat doesn't come on a BOAT and there's no such place as Tuna Town. RAAARR!!
RAAAAR!! I like cake! There are these stories I've heard. Like there was the one where the person was so lonely and fat and nasty that they sat around eating cake batter mixed into the frosting WITH A SPOON. What? I did not. Um. I've never been that sad. Moving along...
RAAARRRR!! So, I looked away for ONE MINUTE, and he was there chatting up Mrs. Butterworth. And I'm all "Come ON! We have to go!!" and he's all "Shhhh! and waving me away. You know, I'm pretty sure that even though she's full of brown sugary goodness, she doesn't appreciate all of the men in the market trying to pick her up all the time...
RAAAR, so I left him there to chat up Mrs. Butterworth and went walking around on my own. I didn't know they were selling foxes at the market now! I mean, I'm sure they're a tasty meal and all, but I think I'd rather not have to kill it myself. RAAAR!! Uhh. Shut up, I was NOT afraid of the fox on the right. I wasn't afraid of the weird, creepy unblinking eyes. You know, I do NOT think he was sniffing me to eat me. I am a MONSTER. I eat THINGS, not the other way around. I'll eat ANYTHING, even a horrible, posessed by the devil fox baby. And, for the record, I DID NOT run out of the isle to get away from it. I simply saw something I wanted to look at more. RAAAARRR!!!!
RAAAAR!! Very funny. This is when I was looking in on some tasty Aunt Jemima pancakes for breakfast and he shut the door on me. See my breath all fogging everything up? I had to stand in there until some old lady opened the door to get some waffles. Man, it was cold. I can't believe you didn't try and make a play for Aunt Jemima, too, you pervert. RAAAAR!!
RAAAAAR. You know, you keep telling me that my butt doesn't look fat, but I can't help but think that perhaps I ought to be doing more glute work when I work out with Sven. I mean, my arms are looking a bit more buff since I started pumping iron, but my butt just seems to be getting bigger and bigger, and remember down there in the cookie isle, when that woman was like "Look at the monster with the big brown butt?!" What? Stop laughing! It's not funny! Just because you're my best friend doesn't mean I won't EAT YOU, because I WILL. First and foremost, I'm a MONSTER. RAAAARRR! Let's get out of here. Wow, look, Powerbars are on sale!
RAAAR!! Here we are back in the kitchen with our catch o' the day! Ahoy there, matey! RAAARRR!! Woah. I'd be a cool pirate. Um, no, you can take it out of the bag, it's okay. No, I'm not scared. NO, really. Go ahead, be my guest. Wait, I have an idea. Why don't we OPEN the bag and let it WALK out, okay? RAAAR.
RAAAARR!! RAAAARR!! Okay, okay. Well, it walked into the sink. It looks MAD. Um. Humm. RAAARRR. I am NOT hiding behind you, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just back here to get a better look. Yes I am. Yes. RAAARRR!!!
RAAARR!! See? I wasn't afraid of it. I went into the sink to give it a taste. I have to say that something was not quite right. I mean, I've eaten ALL SORTS of things, but this? Not edible. RAAAR. Plus, it kept saying stuff to me.
RAAAR!!! You know, your cheekbones look absolutely AMAZING in this photo! Really! That's neither here nor there, though. I don't know why it had it's..claw around you. Maybe he's mad because he saw Mrs. Butterworth first. Hah! HAH! HAH!! I'm a funny monster!!! See? I was leaning in to tell him a joke to ease the sad fact that we were planning on eating him as soon as the water boiled. Remember: you can't eat a raw lobster. Not even a MONSTER wants to eat a raw lobster. Plus, I think that his hard shell would crack my lovely teeth, and I just had a bunch of dental work done. RAAARRR!!!!
RAAARR! Hah! HAH! This was kind of funny. Remember? Hah! He was singing us that song from Spongepants Squarebob! Hah, remember that?? I mean, this is a VERY ENTERTAINING lobster and all, but unfortunately, I have worked up a mighty hunger, so tunes or no tunes, a monster's gotta eat. RAAAARRR!!
RAAAARR!! Hey! What the heck happened to my head?! That's not funny! Wait, are you throwing SHRIMP at the lobster?? What is that going to do?? Are you giving him a last meal?? If that's the case, don't you think he'd prefer something he doesn't get all the time? A nice piece of brie and some pate? What? I know, I know. Pate is really fatty, but STILL. Perhaps this lobster would ENJOY a little taste. Shrimp. Boy, if I was having a last meal, I don't know what I'd pick, do you? I'll bet a lot of people pick lobster. Heh, heh. RAAAARRR!!!
RAAARRR!! I couldn't take a photo of the actual placing of the lobster in the pot. It is NOT because I was crying. I DID NOT cry. I am a monster and I DO NOT CRY about things like that. Besides, I saw you get a little sniffly when he started making those kicking noises from inside the pot. You know, I think that next time, I might just order lobster OUT, because despite the fact that I AM NOT SAD for having tossed him in, I think that I prefer my food a little less hands on, unless of course I'm, well, you know. Yes, you do. You DO. RAAARRR!!!!
RAAAARRR!! Success. This is the last photo we have, because I decided to stop taking pictures while we eat. I mean, it seemed kind of RUDE to take a picture with your mouth all full and stuff. Not that you'd ever show ME the same kind of consideration, but, as I've said before, I'm a POLITE and NICE monster, even if I DID toss this guy into a pot of boiling water. Remember--I'm STILL a MONSTER. RAAARRRRR!! Bon Appetit!