I read your latest story and saw the reference for beer.  I have also noticed from my other lurkings that you partake in the fermented, frothy joy of beer.  I brew my own beer and also help at a local brew pub and I was wondering about monsters and beer.

What style / kind of beer do monsters like?

Do they like an evening of variety or do they stick with one style?

What would be the proper way to serve a monster a beer?  ...on tap, from a bottle or from a can?  ..in a cold glass?   ....very cold, cold or cool temperature?

Do monsters like unfiltered beer better than filtered?

Does a monster like a thick rich head of foam or no head at all?

I can only think that I might be able to save my own pathetic life by offering a monster the perfect beer as an alternative to having a future of my tendons and entrails being picked from such large white gleeming teeth.

Please help me be prepared.  I feel sometimes that my education, training and upbringing might not save my life should I get on the wrong side of a monster.
 

Thank you

Mark Baier
EasilyOdd

 
 

Dear Mark Baier:
 

As you've plainly seen throughout my and my friend's pictorial history, we are fond of brew.   I am extremely confused, however, as to what you mean by "help at a local brew pub"  Does that mean that you are not good enough at pouring beer to be a bartender?  Do you help to make the beer for the pub?  Does drinking until you can no longer see count as help?  I am confused.  How can I answer your questions if you are dishonest and hazy about exactly what your involvement is in the process?  But, being a helpful and supportive monster, I will answer them the best that I can:

1.)  Monsters enjoy all types of beer!  We are not snobs.  We will drink everything and anything.  Monsters are not picky.  We do not prefer a glass over a can, and usually my motto is "the more the better!"  Hah, hah!

2.) RAAAR!  Wait.  I think I answered all of your questions with answer #1.  We will drink anything.  And, if you get on the wrong side of a Monster, serving the right beer won't ever help.  Of course it won't.  But you knew that already, didn't you?  This whole question makes me think of that time we were at the bar, my friend and I, remember that?  And we were like "GIVE US SOME BEER!!"  and the bartender was all "WE DON'T SERVE MONSTERS!!"  and I climbed up on top of the bar and said "SERVE US SOME BEER OR I WILL EAT YOU!!!"  and the bartender said "I AM NOT SERVING MONSTERS!!"  and I said "SERVE US!!"  and he said "NO!!!"  and I said "I WILL EAT YOU!!!"  and he said "I AM NOT AFRAID OF MONSTERS!!!"  and then, heh!  It was very funny.  THEN, I ate him.  And we spent the night taking turns under the tap.  Remember that?  You got so drunk, you spent all that time talking to the chair, and I ate a tennis ball.  That tennis ball had it coming, though. It was giving me a dirty look.  RAAAAR!!!
 

We hope that answered any questions you had regarding monsters and imbibing.