turdmonster.com
living in the limelight,
the universal dream
RAAAARRR!!!! right! so it's Easter, and my mostly silent friend and I were invited over to a dear family's house for dinner. Unfortunately, our hijinx were so merry, we forgot about the camera until dessert, so the photographic pickings are somewhat meager for this holiday. This is not to say that I did not recieve a lot of candy from the Easter Bunny, because I did. Of COURSE I did, I mean, what do you think? If you were a bunny and you were all planning on delivering chocolate and jelly beans to kids and I was wating at the door, with my basket in my hands and I said "RAAAAR!! I LOVE CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY NOW GET RIGHT ON IT AND MAKE WITH THE CANDY OR I WILL EAT YOU!!!!!" What would you do? Right. You'd make the same decision as the bunny. Of course you would. Also, the menu for the evening was turkey, and although we are both fabulous in the kitchen and were extremely helpful in the preparation, you all must remember we've already taken our photograph with a turkey, and being repetitive is not in our nature. RAAAR!! So, anyhow, here are our photos.
RAAAAR!! This may not look like much, but it was the dessert we brought! I made it myself last night. It is very very easy and fat free, to boot, because you know, I was looking at the photographs from the supermarket from a few weeks back, and despite the fact that people keep telling me that the camera adds 10 pounds, I definitely think that I've got a little people-belly action going. I also think that I need to start working on the butt blaster at the gym. What? You know, I don't think that's very funny. Stuff does NOT blast out of my butt every time I use the bathroom.
RAAAARRR!! Is it rude to say that I LOVED the dessert I made?! I DID!! And it was 100 percent FAT FREE!!! I KNOW I mentioned that already, but it was such a TASTY treat, it was hard to believe! Everyone just RAVED about it! RAVED!! "OH, Monster!" they said "How can it be that you've whipped up such a masterpiece?! And with NO RECIPE?! Clearly, you have studied with the masters! You are an amazing and WELL ROUNDED monster!!!" What? WHAT? They were NOT calling me fat. I have no idea what you're going on and on about. WELL ROUNDED does not mean FAT. I mean, well, it CAN mean fat, but that's not what they were saying about me. The fact that you are just trying to bring me down will not work! I recognize this pattern of behavior from you and I REFUTE IT! If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, JUST BECAUSE I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND DOES NOT MEAN I WILL NOT EAT YOU! I WILL. And it'll be BRUTAL. RAAAARRR!!!!!
RAAARR!! I KNOW you want me to tell everyone you won this cup in FABULOUS LAS VEGAS, but after the cracks you made about me being well rounded, I am certainly not going to. But, remember that time we were in Atlantic City? What? You did NOT run away with a show girl in Las Vegas, have you even been there?? Oh, you have? Well, you didn't get the CUP there, I know that for a fact, since you all but knocked me down to take the chair by that cup. What? I do not BELIEVE you were married by Elvis in Las Vegas! I DEFINITELY know for a fact that you have never been married. I believe the story you told me about being so drunk you gambled away all your money and wound up at the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum in the seedy downtown area, hiding behind the wax figure of Walt Disney and springing out to scare people so they'd drop their purses. Hah, HAH! You didn't think I remembered that, did you?! I remember EVERYTHING!! What? Oh, I am NOT jealous that you met Frank Sinatra. He is NOT my favorite singer. No he ISN'T! Man, I do NOT know all the words to Luck Be a Lady. Well, okay. Maybe he is and MAYBE I DO, but STILL, I am a MONSTER AND I DO NOT GET JEALOUS!!! RAAAAARRR!!! Do you really think they meant that I was fat when they called me well rounded?